It seems the smarter I am the stupider I am. I've spent my whole life learning and trying to be intelligent, but it doesn't seem to work. Instead it's resulted in my knowing a lot of words and phrases (that I misapply), vague facts about situations (that I don't understand), and all sorts of weird assumptions (that I shouldn't have).
Now, I'm not stupid enough to think that I'm actually stupid. That would be nothing but pathetic self-pity and a spiteful slap in the face to anyone who's ever called me smart (which many people that I love have). It's just that I worry I'm not as intelligent as I think, or quite as intelligent as my friends are (or seem to be). I also worry that I'm getting less intelligent all the time. It seems like I remember less than I used to, or that I say insightful things less often (or the "insightful" things I say are just plain wrong). I just really, really remember feeling smarter.
My rational mind says that this is probably because I switched environments. In high school I was one of the brightest kids. I don't believe it's because I was smarter, necessarily, just more willing to apply myself than most of my peers. But now that I've moved up in the world, I'm no longer the big shark in the pond. I feel like telling everyone to tell me to shut up whenever I'm spouting nonsense, but I'm also afraid of how it will feel when they do.
I used to just not talk. When I was a preteen, I became aware of the fact that most of what I said was annoying to people (and if my friends are thinking "No, that can't be true," that's because they didn't know me as a preteen). I spent much of my teenage years consciously trying to teach myself to limit what came out of my mouth. I had a fair amount of success; most of what I said passed a sort of screening process in my head, and I began to feel under control. But I've felt like I'm slipping lately, maybe because I'm so comfortable around my friends that I've relaxed the screening mechanism. I feel silly just talking about it even here.
I can't bear to annoy people, I just can't!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
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5 comments:
"You guys don't think I'm as intelligent as I wish I thought myself was."
~Matt Bergman
There. Feel better now?
Freak outs like that are common in this school. I've had them all the time. Phoebe just had one two nights ago. It's the burden of brilliance to forever doubt your brilliance in the luster of other brilliant people. ;)
Dear paladin sister, it's not just about intelligence quota (of which you are indeed generously blessed). You have even more valuable things: you have insight, you have judgement, you have ideas. Paladin that you are, you don't hoarde knowledge like an intellectual packrat; instead you use it to better yourself and come closer to understanding the universe. Remember all the times your circumspect mind saved me from myself? It was not mere intelligence, I say, it was your supreme understanding asserting itself. So sayeth the Iron Maiden!
"Hoarding knowledge like an intellectual packrat." Hmm...sounds familiar, NATE!
One thing I forgot to mention when I spoke to you in person about this:
The more you say to me, the more smart I think you, are the more I like you, and the more I love you in a sisterly fashion. Really, tonight was one of the nights that you've talked as the center of a conversation the most since I've known you, and I left the conversation with a sense of higher understanding not just of you, but of myself, Nate and pretty much all of us, and a warm, fuzzy feeling of love and connectedness. Last year, when I didn't know you as well because I hadn't talked to you as much, I didn't think as highly of you as I do now. Which is not to say that I ever felt lowly of you. I liked you from pretty early on, and never once doubted that you are very smart, creative, honest, loyal and loving. Those are pretty much the best qualities I can think of.
PS: I'm not just saying this, because I don't just say things. Especially not things like this. 'Cause really, I do just say "I like cats and sandwiches" for no reason.
*love*
Thanks. I guess I should be more open, I just didn't want to smother people with my problems. Of course, now I know that was a misguided impulse. Oh well.
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